Who I am loves who I've been.

An old friend and I were reminiscing about our childhood on Facebook today. I had posted that I was starting to get excited for Christmas and she brought up a futuristic Christmas musical we did at church when we were 8-9-10 years old. I don't remember how far into the future this musical was supposed to have taken place, but our view of that random year was terribly skewed. All of us made hats out of tinfoil and we used Game Boys to make electronic sounds. My guess is the future in our minds was the year 1999 and 2011 wasn't even a glint in our eyes.

Looking back on that musical was great, both because of how much I enjoyed my childhood and because of how funny the situation we put ourselves in was, looking back on it at least. As I look back at the last 20 years of my life, almost nothing has turned out as I thought it would. I might not have been as far off as thinking we'd be wearing foil hats and robot noises would dominate our ears, but very little of what I thought my life would be has come to be.

As a child, our family was huge. Four grandparents, two parents, an aunt and uncle, us three kids, and several great aunts and great uncles and cousins coming in and out of town over different holidays. There would be some Christmas mornings that we would spent two or three hours opening presents, taking the time to let each person open one gift at a time, one by one, no matter how many gifts there were or how many people were in our perfect circle.

As the years have gone by, our family has changed dramatically. My aunt and uncle, who I consider some of my largest influences, are now divorced. Three of my grandparents have passed away. And none of the three children in the family live in our hometown.

The thoughts I had about what my future was going to look like were idealistic to say the least. I still have my idealistic personality, but what I want isn't as picture-perfect as what I used to think I deserved. I used to think I would be married and have kids by the time I was 25. I used to hope to be a millionaire by the time I was 30.

As I've grown, I've realized you can't just put a certain age on goals like this. If you do, you're only setting yourself up for failure. I still have goals and I will always have dreams, but they aren't nearly as selfish as my dreams used to be. I still want a wife and kids and a house and to have enough money to not have to worry about it, but most of all, I want to be happy. I want peace and equality for all persons. These are my new ideals.

I've now been in Nashville for more than four years. I love it here. I have friends whom I adore, a church that fills me completely, a job that I'm still learning, but am very good at, and a life to call my own. I've learned that I like to cook. I've heard my call for youth ministry. I've started to take risks I didn't used to take. And I'm so happy.

Though the person I am today is in some ways completely different from the person I was five years ago, I am still the Midwestern guy I was raised as at heart. I am growing more and more like my parents every day. The future may have changed from what I thought it would be, but that's not as scary as it used to be.